I don’t normally do personals, but I need to get stuff out right now.
> My mom has been really sick. Called into work a couple times - doctors notes and everything. Tells me she got fired today from work and is really shaken up over it. shes never been fired before. Miles away and I can’t hug her.
> Just selfishly spent money on myself for luxury items (new desk). feel guilty.
> brother going to court and most likely a detention center because of straight Fs again. He might run for a month until hes 18 if that happens. Dosent want to be transferred to jail.
> Sister is pregnant, husband dissapeared overnight. Just got evicted from house. found refuge with old X. Cant come back to utah or kid will be taken away.
> Meanwhile Dad doing abso-fucking-loutley nothing. Which is nothing new. he can’t handle things. Which I think is some mental anxiety disorder that was never adressed, I can accept that, and im a lot more understanding about him now, but for the love of god he dosent even try to do anything to help to the point he just pretends it dosent exist and will just magically work out.
> classes stressful this semester. Caused panic attack to talk to teacher about withdrawing from a classe that caused most stress. But class is my lifeline right now and I’m desperately clinging to the rest of them.
>OCD flares up because of stress. ritual cleaning. checking. pacing in patterns. picking at the hairs trapped under my skin with sewing needles and tweezers until they bleed. But the worst is seeing my mom become sick and die on her deathbed and I can be there. Seing it over and over in every way imaginable in every pristine detail. Seeing my brother get beat to near death in DT where no one can help him. Imagining me taking golf clubs and bashing in my stupid neighbors windows because she keeps me up at night…
> Taking antibiotics for infection. Kills all good bacteria, now there are overgrown parasites eating my intestines so I have more antibiotics to take. Im 120lbs Made me unhealthily lose 15 lbs. Have mal absorption because of parasites. No appetite because of antibiotics.
> Doctors think I have an STD. Waiting on results from testing. (Which would have been contracted from the unwanted sexual action I received a year ago and didn’t have the balls to report and get properly tested.
> Want to be home to help pull my family back together. Cant go home. Need to be here so that I can get a good job. So I can ultimately be there for my family more. Need to take care of myself first.
> Ill be okay. I’m just dealing with a lot and needed to outlet for a moment. I have nothing to do but keep moving forward because I dont want to go back. I cant, I refuse to go back, unless its in a sense of “sankofa” but even then I won’t dwell too long on it.